Woke up just to Survive

I woke up today and I forgot. I forgot what you looked like. I think its about time to talk about it. I find that its time to talk about how I lost you.

I went to the big green and white house I had loved playing at all my life. I went knowing it would be the last time. The last time we would see each other. Walking into the room I sat down on the corner of the bed and held your hand. You didn't wake. I kissed your check. You didn't look. I couldn't leave you but they said it was time. Said it was time to say goodbye.

Why didn't you say good bye to me? Why didn't you wake up for me? Why did you not wake for me? We were the closest. We told our secrets. You were my secret keeper and I was your holder of stories. I didn't let go. She pulled me away.

Walking down the isle to the casket, my heart hurt. It hurt and screamed out for you. Why didn't you love me enough to stay? Why didn't you love me enough to say goodbye? Would this be the life changing event that would change me for all my life? Would it always hurt this bad?

Kneeling down to say goodbye. You looked like you were sleeping. Like you were the last time I saw you. Why not me? You said goodbye to them all! NOT ME! I held your hand and begged for you to look up. begged for you to be there again.

Sitting. Waiting. Not Crying, at least on the outside. Dying on the inside. Throwing the biggest temper tantrum that has been thrown before! You didn't wake. They called people out one by one. One by one friends and strangers left and filled into their cars. Not us. We all stayed. Then it happened. I screamed! I shouted! I cried! I died! They shut the coffin.

I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't leave you at the grave. I didn't want you to be alone. But you left me alone. You left me and didn't care. Why didn't you say goodbye. Why didn't you give me directions of how to survive without you.

I cant survive any longer. It hurts to wake up and know your not in my life. It hurts to think of you not being there for my graduation. It hurt to think you wont see me through this!

Its been a few years but I cant deal with it. I cant get over that your not here. How is that possible? Is there anyone else who ever felt like this? Felt like life wasn't the same without that someone?