Woke up just to Survive

I woke up today and I forgot. I forgot what you looked like. I think its about time to talk about it. I find that its time to talk about how I lost you.

I went to the big green and white house I had loved playing at all my life. I went knowing it would be the last time. The last time we would see each other. Walking into the room I sat down on the corner of the bed and held your hand. You didn't wake. I kissed your check. You didn't look. I couldn't leave you but they said it was time. Said it was time to say goodbye.

Why didn't you say good bye to me? Why didn't you wake up for me? Why did you not wake for me? We were the closest. We told our secrets. You were my secret keeper and I was your holder of stories. I didn't let go. She pulled me away.

Walking down the isle to the casket, my heart hurt. It hurt and screamed out for you. Why didn't you love me enough to stay? Why didn't you love me enough to say goodbye? Would this be the life changing event that would change me for all my life? Would it always hurt this bad?

Kneeling down to say goodbye. You looked like you were sleeping. Like you were the last time I saw you. Why not me? You said goodbye to them all! NOT ME! I held your hand and begged for you to look up. begged for you to be there again.

Sitting. Waiting. Not Crying, at least on the outside. Dying on the inside. Throwing the biggest temper tantrum that has been thrown before! You didn't wake. They called people out one by one. One by one friends and strangers left and filled into their cars. Not us. We all stayed. Then it happened. I screamed! I shouted! I cried! I died! They shut the coffin.

I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't leave you at the grave. I didn't want you to be alone. But you left me alone. You left me and didn't care. Why didn't you say goodbye. Why didn't you give me directions of how to survive without you.

I cant survive any longer. It hurts to wake up and know your not in my life. It hurts to think of you not being there for my graduation. It hurt to think you wont see me through this!

Its been a few years but I cant deal with it. I cant get over that your not here. How is that possible? Is there anyone else who ever felt like this? Felt like life wasn't the same without that someone?

Change

Why is it that people feel the need to change? Traditions are traditions. Change is not always good. I know change can bring about a new life experience but what about traditions? Traditions are meant to bring back memories of those we loved and lost. Memories that weren't captured because no one ever thought there would be a day without them.

Every year my load large Irish family picks names for "secret Santa". Its never secret and its always fun. We always pick on her birthday. And on Christmas Eve when we are all together and laughing and singing we exchange presents.

This year we didn't pick. This year we aren't picking. This year tradition dies.

What would she say about the large loving family she left behind? Would she understand why her family she loved so much was changing? Or would she be confused? Confused about why some of the family didn't make it Christmas Eve or why some of the younger family members don't feel loved anymore.

The bottom line is change is not always a good thing. Tradition is what keeps a family together. So how can you change a tradition without consent from everyone?

Wondering

I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking of her.



The moon last night was big and bright. The face was there. The face in the moon that smiles down at me from time to time. I like to think its her. Her checking down on me to make sure I'm okay.



Okay?!? How would I be okay? I miss you everyday. You were the one who would wipe my tears and calm me down. But now your gone.

I hope that she looks down on me and realizes how much she meant to me. How much it meant to me that she was in my life.

So I was wondering... when someone dies is there always someone that feels like I feel? Is there always someone who feels as if life as they know it is over? And if there isn't why? Why isn't there someone for everyone? There should be. Everyone should have someone to miss them so much it hurts to think about it. That it hurts to breath on the day that it happened. That person can be anyone. A child, a parent, a grandparent, a friend, a spouse, a significant other or maybe even an aquatence. Every ones life should impact another persons so that they have someone to feel as though life is over when they die.

I hope I will have someone. Is that selfish? Isn't it better to be selfish than to not want anyone to care your gone?

Well anyway. The moon was amazing and I was just wondering about these things. Does anyone understand where I'm coming from?

Music.

Music is my sanctuary. It gets me up int he morning. It holds my hand when times are bad. It reminds me that it will be okay. Music can help me through anything. And it has. Music was there when she died. Music was there when he hurt me. Music was there when he died. Music was there when they weren't. When they couldn't be. Music is my friend.

What song?

There is no one song. But many songs for each emotion and each day. Each day is like starting over and what better way to start over than with a best friend (music) at your side?

when she died Somewhere Over the Rainbow played. Oh Danny Boy played. Kind & Generous played. Ave Maria played. Those are the songs that make it come up. Make her come up.

Whats your favorite song? Do you love music? What comes up when you hear a certain song?

first one

So this is my first blog. wow that seems stupid. I bet everyone writes that for their first blog.

My reason for starting a blog is purely because of my thoughts. I need a place to get them out. A place to let them free so why not to a bunch of strangers????

I have experienced alot in my short time on this earth. I have lost my hero. My adivce giver. My storyteller. Not only have I lost her but I have lost a part of myself along the way.

So I'm going to tell you who ever you may be about myself, about my day and about how I am changing becuase she is no longer there. I cannot promise they will always make sense but I do hope it will help me be me. And maybe help someone else cope with the death of thier someone.