The Reason : Hoobastank

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I want to be a different me.

I wish I could forget what happened.

I wish I could believe i am his reason to change.

skin

oh he's under my skin

just give me something to get rid of him

he used me again. its been a few weeks and he still hasn't talked to me. he told me he would. why is it that no matter what happens he can always have me. i wish there was some magic way to make it so i would not love him. so i could forget that when he looks at me he warms me from head to toe. that when he lightly takes my hand i melt into an immediate puddle of the person i am. and most of all i wish i could forget that his kisses reach into my soul and capture it for hours.

i wish i had someone to talk to about him. friends say i told you so. mom gives me that look. i wish she was still around to talk to. she was the only one i could call and cry or talk for hours. its hard to not have a support system.

oh he's under my skin

Love

Today is valentines day and i cant help but think about old loves and he popped up instantly. Why does he stay in my mind when all I want is for him to leave and never come back?

Is it because all I really want is for things to be different? For it to have worked out this last try? For him to see that I was there for it all, the being kicked out, the loss, the smiles, the laughter. I was there, with him every step of the way.

So I guess what I am really wondering is: Did I ever take anyone for granted like he did? And if he realizes what he did, will I take another chance? Am I really that cruel to myself? Will the bleeding stop if he realizes?

Hey, Soul Sister

Sitting here tonight, watching the Sex and the City movie for the millionth time, I became a little sad because I realized that this summer I not only lost two very best friends, but I also lost the smiles. Smiles that were brought on from the fabulous memories that now bring me to the verge of tears.

I cant even recall the reason the fight began all I remember is breaking down in the middle of Target because my 13 year friendships had ended. The tall one was my guide and the short one was my ruler. With them any question I had could be answered, every problem could be solved, and no matter what in the end I had them. Having them both ripped from me nearly broke me, but I had my soul. My soul has been with me no matter what, she knows all my truths and faults and how to solve a problem like Maria.

Its friends like her that make me know that the sadness i feel at times when i watch movies such as Sex and the City, or see my mom with her girls, will go away because she'll always be there. It makes me hope that everyone in the world has that one friend they know that no matter what they will be there. That no matter how long its been or what the fight was about its over as soon as a tearful call is made or a week goes by. So that's my wish that everyone finds or keeps that one person close to their heart as long as possible.

Dreamless

So here I am cleaning off my tear drentched key board and thinking about loosing another person I hold dear.


Cancer. Wow that one word alone sends chills down my spine. Yes it is true that people to survive cancer but it is also true that some people do not. And some people like my aunt just can't take the after effects of the chemotherapy. Chemotherapy side affects are commonly thought to be waekness and vometing. But what happens when that includes a lose of appetite, sores all over the body, depression, loss of hair, and guilt.



I belive in dreams. Dreams are the first thing i think of when I wake up and usually what I think of throughout the day. I belive dreams are how our subconscious, a higher being, and those we've lost and loved send messages to our concsiuosness.

I hope she wont send me any messages soon....

Crisis

When at last life seems to be letting me live and be happy. No another crisis is thrown in my face.Watching the secret life of an American teenager on ABC family i always felt bad for the pregnant teen. Wondered how the family could handle the crisis and still love each other the same. Well now life has put the question on my lap and thrown me a curve ball i did not expect.

My fourteen year old cousin is pregnant and asked me to help her out. Should i tell her about my time? Should i help her tell her parents? should i tell my mom? should i tell her to do what i did and have it "taken care of"? Or should i respect her maturity of keeping the baby and indeed sit her and her parents down to talk about it.

Her parents: Her mother is a little out there. She would not be the kind understanding adult that is shown on T.V. when something lie this happens. Her mother would maybe kick her out or tell her she doesn't deserve to live or something even more horrible. And then there is her father. A military man that believes his family is not worthy of him. Who somehow always manages to be nice to your face but you know he doesn't respect women in the way they should be treated. He would kick her out for sure. Or make her "take care of it".

The family: my family would open there arms to her. One of our aunts went through the same situation and as a result has my cousin. Yes i do believe the family especially certain aunts and uncles would be there for her. But can I? How can I? I am away at school. How can I help her when i am so far away?

HELP!

Woke up just to Survive

I woke up today and I forgot. I forgot what you looked like. I think its about time to talk about it. I find that its time to talk about how I lost you.

I went to the big green and white house I had loved playing at all my life. I went knowing it would be the last time. The last time we would see each other. Walking into the room I sat down on the corner of the bed and held your hand. You didn't wake. I kissed your check. You didn't look. I couldn't leave you but they said it was time. Said it was time to say goodbye.

Why didn't you say good bye to me? Why didn't you wake up for me? Why did you not wake for me? We were the closest. We told our secrets. You were my secret keeper and I was your holder of stories. I didn't let go. She pulled me away.

Walking down the isle to the casket, my heart hurt. It hurt and screamed out for you. Why didn't you love me enough to stay? Why didn't you love me enough to say goodbye? Would this be the life changing event that would change me for all my life? Would it always hurt this bad?

Kneeling down to say goodbye. You looked like you were sleeping. Like you were the last time I saw you. Why not me? You said goodbye to them all! NOT ME! I held your hand and begged for you to look up. begged for you to be there again.

Sitting. Waiting. Not Crying, at least on the outside. Dying on the inside. Throwing the biggest temper tantrum that has been thrown before! You didn't wake. They called people out one by one. One by one friends and strangers left and filled into their cars. Not us. We all stayed. Then it happened. I screamed! I shouted! I cried! I died! They shut the coffin.

I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't leave you at the grave. I didn't want you to be alone. But you left me alone. You left me and didn't care. Why didn't you say goodbye. Why didn't you give me directions of how to survive without you.

I cant survive any longer. It hurts to wake up and know your not in my life. It hurts to think of you not being there for my graduation. It hurt to think you wont see me through this!

Its been a few years but I cant deal with it. I cant get over that your not here. How is that possible? Is there anyone else who ever felt like this? Felt like life wasn't the same without that someone?